


Better

by potatosackcrew



Series: Don't You Worry, Child [3]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz, Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Cross-posted, Depression, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:49:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatosackcrew/pseuds/potatosackcrew
Summary: Alex wasn’t sure what, exactly, he’s supposed to be doing here, but he’s determined to do it. He wanted to get better.OR Alex struggles through therapy and Steve does what he can to help.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett & Alex Rider
Series: Don't You Worry, Child [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2082795
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Better

**Author's Note:**

> Set directly after Weight of the World. Title inspired from Mike Donehey’s Better. (There is a third unnamed fandom referenced and if you know what it is, I will love you forever, lol.)
> 
> Admittedly, I’m not super happy with this one but also I've been working on it for far longer than I wanted to, so here it is anyway. It comes off as more clinical than emotional and that was not what I was going for, obviously, but I’m just gonna chock that up to the fact that I basically dissociated all the way through my three months of parent-forced therapy and therefore I have no feelings to write about the subject. Thank you and goodnight.

Steve waited until they were back in the truck and several blocks away from the office building before he asked, “So what do you think?”

Alex shrugged as he continued to stare out the window as they passed through Waikiki. The woman they had met with seemed nice enough, but one session was hardly enough time to form an opinion. “Too soon to tell?”

“That’s fair. Do you want to go back next week?”

“I guess.”

“That’s not a very confident answer.”

“I don’t have a very confident opinion. I just met her. It’s hard to tell from one hour if someone is going to be helpful or not.”

Steve sighed. “Just promise me one thing: that if you end up not liking her, you’ll tell me.” They stopped at a red light and Steve turned to look at Alex. “If she’s not the right person, we can find someone else. There’s nothing wrong with that. Okay?”

Alex nodded. “I think I can manage that.”

The light turned green and Steve accelerated, turning off the main street. “Good.”

This wasn’t the way back to Aina Haina. “Where are we going?”

“Back when I was growing up, whenever I’d had an especially bad or difficult day, my dad would take me to this little hole-in-the-wall ice cream shop. Best ice cream I’ve ever had. I’d say you’ve earned it today.”

Alex frowned. “It was one, introductory session. I haven’t done anything yet.”

“On the contrary, the first step is always the hardest, and you took that step today. I’m really proud of you, buddy.” Steve turned again, onto a side street that was much less busy than the main roads and easily found a place to park. As he turned off the engine, he nodded to the small shop across the street. “There is it.”

Alex leaned over to steal a glance at the building and snorted. “When you said ‘hole-in-the-wall,’ you really meant it, didn’t you?” Whit’s End was one in a row of attached shops and didn’t look like anything special, but Alex trusted Steve’s judgment and followed him inside. 

The man behind the counter glanced up as the bell chimed, a smile of familiarity spreading across his aged face, crows feet pulling the corners of his eyes. “Well, if it isn’t Steve McGarrett! Haven’t seen you in -- what? Twenty years?”

Steve’s smile matched the man’s. “It’s definitely been awhile. Good to see you, Mr Whittaker. I’m honestly surprised to see you still running the place -- thought you would have retired by now.”

“My son handles most of it now, actually, but I’d miss it too much to completely retire.”

“Not surprised.” Steve turned and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder, pulling him forward slightly. “This is Alex, by the way. And as nice as it is to see you, we  _ did _ come for the ice cream, so.”

Mr Whittaker laughed. “Of course, of course. We’ve got all the usual flavors, and the flavor of the month is Rocky Road.”

Alex glanced up at the chalkboard sign. “What’s Raspberry Ripple?”

* * *

“What I’d like to do today is a little…  _ unconventional _ given your circumstances, but I’d like to try it anyway.” Dr Young set a blank sheet of paper and pencil on the table in front of Alex. “Normally I’d have the person draw his or her family tree, but I realize that may prove more difficult for you. So instead, I’d like you to do this with those you  _ consider _ your family. They can be related to you or not, living or deceased, it doesn’t matter. Once you’ve done that --” she pulled a plastic tub filled with various trinkets and small toys from under the table and placed it next to the paper -- “I want you to choose an item from here that represents each of those people.”

Alex frowned. He had thought he’d be spending every week discussing past trauma or his feelings or such -- not that he really  _ wanted _ to, but he  _ did _ want to heal, and this seemed irrelevant to the process. “Not to seem disrespectful, but what exactly is the point of doing this?”

“I think it’ll make more sense when you get done -- if you’re willing to try.”

That wasn’t really the answer he was hoping for, but he nodded anyway. If she thought this would help, then he would try. “I guess.”

“I’ll leave you to it, then. Take your time, and let me know when you’re done.” Dr Young stood from her chair, went to her desk, and sat down with her back to Alex.

He couldn’t say he wasn’t glad for the semi-privacy to do this in. The task would have been far more nerve-wracking with her watching.

_ Now then, who do I include?  _ Surely he could leave off his parents; he had no memories of them so there was no way to assign them an item anyway. The logical place to start, then, would be Ian, so he wrote the name and drew a box around it. Did he even need the box?  _ Whatever. It’s already there, so too late. _

Should he include Jack? She had been just as responsible for raising him as his uncle had been, after all. He added her name and put a box around it too.

Was there anyone else? Should he include the Pleasures? They  _ had _ taken him in, but how did he feel about them? Had they been his family? Alex bit his lip. No, they had never really felt like that to him. Maybe had he been allowed more time living there he would have eventually, but as it stood, he left them off.

Two, however, felt like a very sad number.

With a soft sigh, he added Steve’s name and another box. He wasn’t really sure  _ what _ he felt about Steve yet, but he was all Alex had now. His guardian constantly told him that he was  _ ohana _ now; maybe with enough time, Alex would come to feel that way, too.

Pulling the tub towards him, he started sifting through its contents. Still not understanding the point, he had already decided not to put too much thought into choosing. Maybe he should have, but thinking too much about Ian and Jack would only end one way, and he didn’t particularly fancy having a panic attack in the middle of therapy. Quickly choosing three items, he deposited them in the appropriate squares then turned towards Dr Young and cleared his throat.

She turned with a small smile. “All done?”

“Yeah.”

As she returned to the other chair, she said, “Tell me about the people you’ve included. Let’s start with Ian.”

Alex swallowed harshly and took a deep breath.  _ Just stick to the basics. You don’t need to talk about the gritty details today. _ “Well… Ian was my dad’s brother. He took me in when my parents were killed. We did a lot together -- when he was home anyway…” Alex trailed off; she already knew the rest, to a degree. Steve had talked to her at length before Alex had been introduced, so she already knew Ian had worked for MI6 -- among other things.

She pointed one finger at the object set next to Ian’s name. “Why did you choose a mirror for him?”

“We look a lot alike.” That had been his only thought as he had chosen it, anyway.

Dr Young was silent for a moment. “Tell me about Jack.”

“Jack was…” He had to stop to take another deep breath, to push down the memories of Cairo that threatened to take over. He wasn’t ready to go there yet. “She was a caretaker of sorts. Ian paid her to take care of me and look after the house when he was gone for work. She was more of a sister to me than anything, though.”

“I see. And why choose a rose?”

“It’s red, like her hair.”  _ Like her blood spilled on the desert sands. _ Alex had to swallow back bile at the sudden, intrusive thought. He couldn’t deal with that right now.

“Alex? Would you like to take a break?”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No. I’m okay.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Yes.” He wasn’t really, but if they could move on, that would certainly help.

“Alright. Tell me about Commander McGarrett then.”

“Well… I’ve been living with him since the end of December. It’s...been nice; no one’s come to bother me that I know of, and I’m sure if they had, I’d never even hear about it. He’s been endlessly patient with me -- which helps. A lot. I know I’m a lot to handle, but it never seems to bother him. I… I don’t really know what he is to me yet.”

“Why the teddy bear figurine?”

“Gives the best hugs of anyone I’ve ever known.” The reason felt silly, but it was true; it was the first thing he had thought of when he saw it in the tub.

Dr Young was silent for a moment. “I think it’s probably more than that -- I think all of them are. It is alright if I tell you what I think?”

He shrugged. “Sure, I guess.”

“Let’s start with Ian. You said you look a lot like him, but I don’t think the similarities end at physical appearance. You shared a lot of hobbies and interests -- the things the two of you would do when he was home. He instilled his values in you, too -- hard work, a sense of right and wrong -- taught you how to make hard choices. When the time came, you followed in his footsteps, however unwilling you were. I think you probably looked up to him -- maybe idolized him, even, at one point. You chose a mirror because you see him in yourself, and you wanted to be like him.”

Alex could hardly argue with that. After all, she was right. When he had found out the truth about Ian, it had been a hard blow, and while he didn’t want to be a spy, there  _ were _ still aspects of his uncle’s life that he aspired to emulate. All he could do was stare at the paper and the objects and nod.

“As for the rose, I’m thinking that Jack was a very dynamic person. What she showed to the world wasn’t always indicative of her true personality. There were things the rest of the world didn’t see -- but you did. Good things, but also a harsher side. That harshness wasn’t necessarily a  _ bad _ thing, however. Sometimes, it was also  _ protectiveness,  _ for herself as well as for others.”

Again, he couldn’t argue. She had fought so hard against MI6 on his behalf, but in the end, her threats had been little more than annoying prickles to them because they weren’t close to her and she didn’t matter to them. For him, though, who had been holding on so tightly… he had been torn open when she’d been ripped away. He nodded again.

Dr Young continued. “The bear doesn’t surprise me at all. It’s a symbol of comfort and  _ protection. _ You feel safe with him.”

It was a simple explanation, but it spoke volumes. He hadn’t felt safe since that fateful day in March two years before. But with Steve? Truthfully he’d felt less on edge these past months, less like his life would be upended by another mission again. “Comfort and protection, huh?” he mumbled, reaching out to pick up the bear again. At least he understood the purpose of the exercise now -- at least in part.

“If you’re up for it, I’d like you to do one more.”

Alex glanced at her before setting the bear back down on the table. “For who?”

“Yourself.”

Slowly he nodded, picking the tub back up. Trying, once again, not to think too much about it, he quickly settled on an item he’d noticed before. He hoped she wouldn’t ask him to explain it because he didn’t know; it just felt right somehow. He put the box back on the table and showed her what he’d chosen.

Dr Young nodded. “Any thoughts?”

Biting his lip, Alex shook his head.

After a moment, she asked, “What’s the purpose of an anchor, Alex?”

Apparently he wasn’t going to get away with not talking. “They keep boats from moving too much while out on the water. Without one, they’d just...drift off.” Oh.  _ Oh crap. _ Well, too late to take it back now.

“It’s also a symbol of hope.”

Alex looked up at her in surprise.

She smiled gently. “Any thoughts now on why you chose it for yourself?”

Alex turned his gaze back to the metal piece in his hand. Yeah, he had a pretty good idea of why.

* * *

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we skip the ice cream this week?”

Steve slowed to a stop at the light. “Sure. You okay?”

“Just tired.”  _ Bone-dead weary _ would have been a better description. Weren’t those antidepressants supposed to be keeping this from happening?

“Alright. No big deal.”

The rest of the drive home was silent, Alex staring out the window and doing his best not to think about anything at all. Therapy had been rough this week and if he let his mind wander, it would inevitably end up in places he didn’t want it to be. So he focused on the scenery instead -- the trees, the beach, the ocean, the sky -- anything to keep from thinking too much.

As soon as they had arrived back at the house, Alex disappeared outside, making his way down to the little beach in the yard. It had quickly become his favorite place. Out here, he could just  _ be _ for a while and forget everything else. He was so desperate for the world to stop sometimes, and out here, that almost seemed to be possible.

“Alex?”

He startled to awareness and turned to see Steve sitting in the other chair. Alex hadn’t noticed his guardian’s arrival, and the look on his face meant that he knew something more was wrong than Alex was saying.

Alex turned his gaze back to the gently rolling waves. “I’m fine.”

Steve sighed. “You’re not.”

Alex didn’t even try to argue. There was nothing he could say to the contrary, no way to convince Steve of something that wasn’t true. “I really am just tired -- depressed maybe.” He was still getting used to admitting that that’s what this was; he was still getting used to a lot of things, really. “Maybe those meds aren’t working -- I don’t know. I’m just... _ tired,  _ and therapy was rough, and it’s not that I want to stop going, but… I just feel like I need a break.”

Steve nodded. “It can take a while for meds to work sometimes, but we can talk to the doctor about it. And if you need a break, we can probably do that, too, but you need to talk to Dr Young about it first, okay?”

“Okay.” Alex hugged his knees tighter to his chest. “I’ll ask next week then, I guess.”

“Hey, buddy?”

Alex looked up at him.

“I know it may not seem like it right now, but it’s gonna get better. It might take a while, but I promise you it will.”

Alex offered a small smile. “I know. Thanks.” It didn’t feel true, but he would force himself to believe it anyway. Maybe if he kept telling himself that, one day it would finally be reality.

* * *

He didn’t want to be here. The only place he wanted to be at the moment was curled up under his weighted blanket on the couch, bingeing some show or other on Netflix. But, despite his protests, Steve had drug him out anyway, not caring what he wanted. Saying that the week had been  _ bad _ would have been a gross understatement, but that was exactly the reason Steve had given for why Alex  _ shouldn’t _ skip therapy.

So here he was, taking up his usual spot in Dr Young’s office, for the first time against his will.

“So how was your week, Alex?”

He swallowed thickly and continued to stare down at his hands, not saying a word. Maybe he was being petty, but just because Steve had made him come, that didn’t mean he had to talk. Besides, even if he  _ wanted _ to talk about it, he didn’t know where to start.

For a few minutes, the only sound in the office was the ticking of the wall clock and the air conditioning kicking on. The longer the silence drug on, the less Alex wanted to break it. But he also knew that if he didn’t, she wouldn’t either; they would sit in silence until he spoke or until their time ran out. He took a deep breath and forced the words out. “Honestly I don’t want to be here right now.”

“I see. But you still came, yes?”

“Only because Steve made me.”

Dr Young nodded. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to -- this is  _ your _ time, Alex. But since you  _ are _ here, perhaps there is still a way to use this time for your benefit. If you could do anything right now, what would it be?”

Alex sucked in another deep breath through his nose. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? The only things he wanted were things he couldn’t currently have. Hunching his shoulders, he slouched back into his seat in defeat and tried to voice the one thing he wanted more than anything, the impossible request coming out as barely a murmur: “To stop the world for five minutes so I can catch my breath?” This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have today, but now that it was out, he couldn’t take it back.

“You feel overwhelmed by the past week.”

Her voice was so carefully neutral that she could have been talking about the weather instead of his current emotional state. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel; on the one hand, it made everything seem less “big,” but on the other he wanted someone to commiserate his suffering. Alex nodded. “Overwhelmed” still felt like an understatement, but it was close enough, he supposed. “Not just by  _ this  _ week.”

“Care to elaborate?”

He did not.

After another moment spent in silence, Dr Young stood up and went to the bookcase in the corner, coming back with several coloring books and a tub of colored pencils. Selecting one for herself, she sat on the floor next to the coffee table.

_ Coloring? Really? I’m not four. _

His thoughts must have been clear on his face because she said only, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” and gestured at the stack.

Alex knew he could sit there and do nothing if he wanted to and she wouldn’t say another word to him about it, but he knew from experience that she generally had good ideas. Letting out a soft sigh, he slid off the chair and onto the floor, grabbing the pile to flip through.  _ Star Wars. Disney  _ Princesses. Mandalas. Color-by-number landscapes. There was a little of everything, it seemed. He didn’t want to bother choosing colors so he settled on a color-by-number book and flipped to the first unused page. As he began to fill in the shapes with the correct colors, he half expected her to start asking him questions again. But she didn’t. Time slipped slowly by, one color at a time, the only sound in the room the scritching of lead on paper. But now, almost without thinking, he broke the silence. “I cut again yesterday.”

“Oh?”

“I hated it.”

“Do you want to talk about why that happened?”

“I’m really behind on all my coursework, and the school is pushing for me to have it all done by the end of June. There’s no way I can get it all done in a month.” He paused. “I’m so stressed out about trying to get it done that I can’t actually get anything done. I was hoping it would help me focus, but it just made me feel worse about everything.”

“That’s a lofty goal the school has set for you.”

“It’s impossible.” A few bad days in January had been all it had taken. Once he had fallen behind even a little, it had felt like too much to be able to catch up which had led to him falling even further behind. It was a vicious cycle, yet he was still trying -- he really was. Why couldn’t they seem to see the effort he was making already? “They don’t realize how hard this has been.”

“You’re stressed out because of the amount you need to get done, correct?”

“Yeah, I guess? I mean, I start thinking about how much I have left to get done and I just…” Alex shrugged, digging through the bin to find the next color.

“If the school’s goal is unattainable, what can you do to make it attainable?”

Alex paused, his hand hovering over the page.  _ Oh. _ They’d done this before: he needed to break the problem down into parts, focus on what he  _ could _ do rather than on what he couldn’t. Why hadn’t he thought of this sooner? “I can make smaller goals. Even if I can’t meet theirs, I  _ can _ meet my own. That’s still progress.”

“Would you like to work on them now?”

Alex glanced at the clock; there wasn’t much time left, but there was enough. “Yeah. I think I would.”

* * *

Steve turned off the engine as Alex stared in bewilderment at the building in front of him.  _ Hawaiian Humane Society _ was scrawled across the front of it in bright orange letters. He hadn’t known what to expect when Steve had said he had a surprise, but this was definitely not it.

“I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“What are we doing here?”

Steve snorted. “I don’t know, Alex. What do people  _ usually _ do at animal shelters?”

“Just wasn’t expecting it, I guess, but...why? Not that I’m not grateful or something; I just…” Alex trailed off with a shrug, uncertain how to finish his thought.

Steve smiled like he knew what Alex meant (he probably did -- he always did). “Lou mentioned something about it the other day actually -- something about pets being therapeutic. So I thought maybe it’d be worth a go.”

“So like a service dog?”

“Yeah, something like that. I  _ did _ look into that, too, actually, but the waiting list is, like, a mile long so I thought maybe in the meantime…” Steve trailed off with a shrug. “We can still get a service dog if that would interest you, but I thought this would be faster and it’ll at least help you out at home hopefully. So here we are. You can get whatever you want; the choice is yours. Alright? You ready or what?”

Alex smiled and pulled on the handle to his door. “Yeah, let’s go.”

It didn’t take long for them to be shown to the back, and Alex wandered down the aisle, taking them all in. In a cage near the end, green eyes staring out from abyss-black fur, a tiny imitation of a meow called to him. The sound was more of a croak than any meow Alex had ever heard, but he stopped and poked his fingers through the wires. The cat immediately rubbed its face against them and began to purr.

“Would you like me to take her out for you?”

Alex nodded at the worker standing a few feet away next to Steve.

As soon as the cat was out, she was reaching towards Alex, and that’s when he noticed it: she was missing one of her front legs. He didn’t care, though; this cat had everything going against her, and Alex knew exactly how that felt. But everything that may have made her undesirable to anyone else only made him love her more.

“I think we found a match,” he heard Steve say from behind him.

The employee chuckled. “I think you might be right.”

Alex had never been more sure.

* * *

“How was your week, Alex?”

“Really good, actually.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Would you like to tell me about it?”

“Well, on Monday Steve decided to get a pet, which honestly I thought was weird until she figured out I was having a panic attack before I did. Turns out a purring ball of fur in your lap is a pretty good grounding tool.”

“I take it you’re talking about a cat here?”

“Yeah -- sorry. Her name’s Luna, and she only has three legs and the funniest meow I’ve ever heard, but she’s also the sweetest thing -- always wants attention, but that’s not really a bad thing, and she always seems to know when I’m having a hard time.”

“That’s wonderful. What other good things happened this week?”

“I talked to Tom yesterday. He called to let us know his travel plans so I guess it's official that he’s coming. I’m really looking forward to that, and… I think I might actually be  _ done  _ with my coursework by then. I did more than I had planned this week.

“Oh! And I’m going to be playing in this community soccer league. I haven’t played in a while, but it’s not super competitive, so it’ll be good to get back into that.”

“It sounds like you’ve had a very positive week indeed.”

Alex smiled. Not every week would be this way, he knew, but for now he could take comfort in knowing that good weeks  _ were _ possible. For so long the very concept had seemed a far off dream, but now he knew it wasn’t.

Things would get better. And he would be here to see it happen.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: Luna is absolutely based on a cat that lives down the street from me. That cat is THE friendliest fella I've ever seen, but it doesn't meow. It just kinda croaks. It's adorable really.


End file.
